During my Bible study today, I came across what I do believe is my verse for the next year... possibly even what some might call their "life verse."
Truth be told, I am imperfect. Way, way, way imperfect. Since my teenage years, I have been in a perpetual cycle of inconsistency. Part of the reason I haven't remained in the same state [of mind, heart, dreams] is due to the growth of my business. If only I could peel back the curtain and show you how absolutely
blown away I am by the growth this year has delivered. There is still a long way to go, but I am learning everyday; I have made deadlines, missed deadlines, designed and re-designed, organized workflow and cleaned it up after the chaos of mass volume destroyed what was once a "routine".
That being said, I'm coming to the realization that one of my greatest faults is my desire for an absolute end. I want to be a worship leader,
period. I want to be a photographer,
period. I want to move,
period. I want to stay in Georgia,
period. I have made so made "definite" decisions, discovering months later that I truly missed the mark.
I have identity issues. Growing up, I just
knew that I knew that I knew that I was supposed to be a worship leader. In my little teenage,
Hillsong-loving mind, that meant till death do us part. I would lead worship from the age of 15 to the age of 80 (God help that congregation). About two years after I graduated high school (2009), photography offers started--for all practical purposes--falling into my lap. Honestly, my skills weren't too hot, either--but I had people asking me to take family pictures, senior pictures, wedding pictures left-and-right. My cute little hobby was avalanching into a full-blown business. By September of last year (2010), I was able to quit my job as a Starbucks barista; and by May of this year (2011), I was able to register my business as an LLC. At this point, I was shooting weddings nearly every weekend, leading worship on Sunday mornings, and feeling quite confused as to how this all worked together.
Did God change His mind about my calling? Am I straying from what I'm called to do by pursuing a career in photography? Can I do both? Is this just for a season? How do I plan for an indefinite season of photography when I have to invest $12,000 in equipment and I'm booking brides two years out? Where will full-time ministry come into play? Did I hear God wrong? It's amazing to me how I can still complicate things in a season where so much is going right... and then some. I'd always defined myself as a worship leader, but now the reflection of my time and efforts seemed to establish my identity as a photographer.
Feeling the pressure of being spread too thin, in addition to my [faulty] desire of wanting a distinct identity, I stepped down from leading worship every Sunday. It made complete sense at the time. I would shoot up to 12 hours on a Saturday, get home at 1:00 a.m. and wake up at 5:00 a.m. to prepare for worship that morning. By the time second service came around, I was emotionally drained. I could hardly keep my eyes open during the sermon--something I rarely struggle with. In addition, I was struggling to plan set lists on time--really feeling like I was cheating out the team I was leading of the affection and attention that is necessary in ministry. Something had to give, and I was so passionate about the growth of my photography business, that I felt like perhaps God was changing my heart.
Since May, God has shown me
way too much about myself. I am not constant. My emotions are so incredibly involved in my decision-making skills. I define myself too often by what I do. More than anything, He has shown me that He is my source.
Amidst the workload and attention, I have all-too-often drifted away from time with Him. I feel my desires changing: desires for wealth, desires to be popular, desires to be comfortable.
This just isn't me. These weren't struggles I had before. I was content with my barista income, small apartment with my hubby, and friends at work and church. At the same time, I wasn't comfortable--I had dreams of changing the world around me, getting out of my "comfort zone" and reaching out to those in need, and leading the revolution that God was birthing in my heart;
a revolution of humility--of considering others as more significant than myself.
I know I have the tendency to beat myself up more than others. But God and I were the only ones who truly knew where my heart was... and Him more than me.
I still want to lead worship. I want to be used in full-time ministry. And I feel like He has indeed birthed those dreams in me.
But here I am with a booming photography business--
all because of His grace and goodness.
What I need is wisdom. Wisdom to trust Him when seasons change. Wisdom to identify myself ever, only in His arms. I still want to be used by Him to change the world--to bring hope, truth, restoration. I want to lead this generation in a revolution of humility, as Christ has led me.
When I came across this verse, I identified with it two-fold. One, I recognized that the wisdom I long for must be pure--not to benefit this identity complex of mine, or to gain some kind of upper-hand in life's journey--it must simply be a longing to know Him more and to be led by Him. Secondly, I recognized far too many qualities that I do not attain--knowing that He is my source. I can only attain such qualities by His grace towards me--His work in and through me.
I know sometimes I can open up too much, but I truly just want everyone to know my heart--if anything to know that you're not alone. We all go through "stuff". But God is faithful.
So, here is my prayer--the work that I pray He does in me over the next, well, however long it takes.
